As we all know - being in the same vicinity as a Union Jack flag is a strong indication that you're a racist or a Tory. The bigger or more numerous the flags, the more of a far-right bootlicker you probably are.
Everyone knows that the Union Jack is a symbol of colonial violence, patriarchal oppression and white supremacy, and lots of other really bad things. If you really can't see this, then you, my friend, are part of the problem.
Displaying an England flag - be it on your profile picture, white van, or in your working class slum - is in some ways even worse, because this not only signifies that you pertain to the above characteristics, but also that you are a gammon-faced, lager-swilling pleb from somewhere that doesn't even have a single Pret. Oh, and it hardly needs saying, but you also definitely voted for Brexit along with all the other 17.4 million fascists.
So, just to be clear - most flags are bad; displays of petty-minded nationalism and patriarchal power structures. But the British and English flags are particularly bad - and if you own one, give TV interviews in front of them, or have one on your profile picture then you are flag-shagging racist, idiot, or (most probably) both.
However... it's not quite that simple, because there is a flag which (despite belonging to a protectionist, capitalist trade bloc run by bankers and heavily-lobbied by giant businesses) has quite the opposite meaning.
Yes, that's right - you can show how progressive, enlightened, tolerant and left wing you are by encircling the glorious yellow stars of the EU flag around your profile picture on social media platforms, instantly gaining yourself the moral high-ground in any online argument.
If you want to go further, then catch the tube from your £2 million ex-council flat in Islington, and physically wrap yourself in this flag outside Parliament Square. Not only does this represent an effective protest against being forced out of the trading and regulatory bloc by racists, but also displays your own unimpeachable values of tolerance, progressiveness and anti-racism.
All this still produces the desired effects, even despite the EU's very slight imperfections - like, for example, when it forced Mediterranean countries into the currency union and plunged them into crippling, intractable debt as a result. Or the minor, unavoidable corruption - that natural wastage that would occur anywhere - to which a few billion meant for things like educational grants, are lost to large swimming pools in the gardens of Bulgarian officials and such like... But do not worry - these sorts of associations aren't fashionable in the media, and if anyone does mention them then it's only going to be illiterate gammon, the Daily Mail, Express or other far-right hate rags, who have instantly lost the moral argument just because of who they are.
If you are challenged by one of the slightly less stupid Brexshitters on your own use of the EU flag - just calmly respond by: - Telling them they're wrong
- Asking them if they've ever read the EU Constitution
- Instructing them to 'go and educate themselves'.
These are handy and reliable ways to win arguments with fascists and xenophobes.
So, wear your EU stars with pride, and one day - comrades - we will reclaim our own. When all the gammon have died from old age, drinking too much Carling and eating too many chips, another referendum will be held and next time we will win.
Those ghastly colonial symbols of violence, intolerance and slavery will die with them, and we will once again become a part of that liberal, outward-looking utopia. Solidarity!
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